so schools starting in four days

didn't learn city of delusion or never enough on drums

 still four days

i can do it!!!!
!
no i cant

well.....
also didnt finish the first episode of max galaktor

got an ipod

getting a macbook this weekend

i dont know why i'm posting this. or why i ever posted anything

 yo dudes!
and by dudes i mean reuben cause he's the only person i know on lj, and i dont have an internet life.

except i dont really mean reuben cause i see him a hell of a lot more than i post.

so here's a report on the current state of my brain and the adventures its been on in the past few months, not really in chronological order:

I imagined myself in 1.3 hours of boredom and misery every day one...or two...i cant remember anymore...so I imagined myself out of it by vocalizing my distaste for French book-learnin' to my imaginary counsellor. And got an imaginary skills block that I always (except 2 or three classes) skipped to get some more English book-learnin' and comic relief from the classroom next door (or so I imagined). My brain appreciated that. I continued to achieve the bare minimum in all of my classes and only just scraped by with a fifty or greater. (I'm sure I didn't get more than 47 or so in PE but there are some sensible teachers out there that don't see the point in summer school...especially for PE) Meanwhile, we were not being informed by the informed administration that a student at our school was making a hit list. He had a sawed off shotgun and a bunch of other weapons. Society's fault. His life probably sucks even more now.

I was getting high and thoroughly enjoying it, then I had to go and enter this bout of anxiety that still plagues me. I fear it will never go away. I just want to get high again without being terrified.

I spent the last day of school sitting in a park. It was cloudy and it was boring and I got a fishnet tan.

And to kick start our glorious summer of completely fucking up our circadian clocks, we went to see a midnight double feature of Fight Club and Office Space at the Rio. We left the theatre at dawn. I ate too much candy.

I got sick. Or something like that. I was so god damn tired. I thought I had mono. Had bloodtests done. No mono. Or iron, kidney, liver problems or high white blood cell count. Had such a shit few days. My heart fluttered like a bitch that was a butterfly whenever I walked a few blocks. Went to clinic. Doctor was clueless. Went to my GP later, at first didn't know. Had an x-ray. Next week she said she thought it was my anxiety. I didn't even feel anxious. But I knew she was probably right. My dad said the same. My doctor prescribed Paxil. My dad pressured me; he takes Paxil. I'm not going to take drugs.

But before I saw her, during those shit few days, I was a hypochondriac of pythonic proportion. I thought my heart would stop. My chest was heavy. I was light headed. I thought if I stopped concentrating on being alive, I'd just stop living. My paranoia persisted and I was convinced that if I fell asleep I might never wake up. I was so convinced that I made myself accept that it may be truth and not just my brain's apprehensive fiction. I accepted death, but certainly didn't wish it. And I was so terrified. No matter how much your life sucks, and no matter how often you wish yourself dead, death is so terrifying. I didn't want to find out that earth was just a good dream. I didnt want to wake up in a womb. I didn't want to be alone. And I finally closed my eyes.

And I woke up. And I felt so, so alone. I couldn't stand the worrying. Hypochondria. And if these were the symptoms of anxiety, then I was frustrated. God dammit! I felt like shit. And I was so scared because of fear. I couldn't function. I felt like I was slowly dying. And I've never known how or why or even what I am but the thoughts have only amused me. Now it was frustration. A thought of frustration: None of this makes any sense, and I am miserable, so why is it so hard to end? And the thought turn into an emotion: I wanted to give up, but I didn't even know how. I felt like crying, and my feeling grew. And that feeling kept going until it was one of the strongest things I've ever felt. I don't know what you'd even call it. A sensation. It just overwhelmed me entirely. I was completely consumed in a sensation of frustration of my existence. 

My palpitations weakened (but, dear god, didn't cease for a week) and the weight was released from my chest. But I was so weak. And my stomach felt as if it was creating a vacuum (I think it pretty much was). But I felt no hunger. I tried to fill my shrunken stomach. My mouth didn't want to chew. And I cried. If I ever thought about how sad I was, I'd just start crying. Things didn't seem real. I remember seeing a tree and honestly feeling like it was an illusion. It was so much different from the idea that perhaps our world is all in our head; my head didn't even want to pretend like it was real anymore.

This lasted for days. I've never been so depressed. I hoped one day I'd wake up and have my appetite back and be motivated to do more lament about how lamentable my lamentable life is. But that didn't happen. It was gradual. But it eventually my instincts of motivation and ignorance seeped back into my sorry little mind. I felt as good as I did before the fatigue and whatnot, but still had the anxiety. And my miserable memories.
Eventually the palpitations and such completely left me.

And my doctor refered me to a psychologist. Which is good. He's teaching me relaxation techniques. Hopefully, in a few weeks I will be able to get rid of the anxious lump in my throat on command. He say's I have social anxiety disorder and panic (somatic anxiety) disorder. I didnt think I have social anxiety disorder but I'm realizing I kinda am more than just shy. (You have no idea how hard my heart beats when some random person on the street says something to me. I'm like omigodomigodi'mactuallygonnahavetosaysomething and then mutter and walk away) He does this thing where he smiles and just waits there with a smile...as if he's expecting an answer, when there was no question. He's very animated. He reminds me of several actors, but I'm not sure which ones. Apparently he does hypno-therapy. He charges 160 dollars an hour. I want to be a psychologist.

I, with Reuben, have been working on a claymation thingy. I'm still writing the script for the first episode cause I'm a lazy sonofabitch, but I'll probably finish the first draft today. Its about an alien named Max Galaktor and a human stoner named Dom. And reuben, do you want to sculpt max or shall I?


Ehhhhh.....Guess that's all that's up with me. shit. i'm fucked up.

oh and dream theater's awesome

and i watched 2001 last night. thats awesome too.

"Uh Oh; 'Rina"

Marina is my sister. She would scratch my face. My mom put bells around my crib. She swallowed one, turned a bit blue, then continued digesting it. My parents had an x-ray done of the bell inside her little tummy-tum. They put it on our christmas card. She shat out the bell. We still have it.

and by you guys i think i mostly mean reuben

and everything i'm going to say reuben already knows

so i'm showing my lack of talent tomorrow night with reuben


aaaand

i really hate teachers who mark you completely illogically


reuben, you know who i'm talking about


i got a letter home that says i'm getting 0% in a certain language

for a whole day i convinced Sacha that i was a quarter black.

We were at Jacy's playing video games in a big pile of blankets in his backyard.

oh right

this tuesday my dog got violated in the face by a skunk

i got kicked out of school due to my wild stank


adrienne's apparently mad at me cause i didn't go to the play tonight


i really don't care

that's about it

i met tegan yesterday. dont like tegan and sarah. sacha's obsessed. he missed it

i want a black anarchist girlfriend (still) just to spite my parents

poetry intimidates me.

people are so much better than me at everything

i have too many interests

i've been getting to school on time


....for second block

naah....day 1s i've been there on time the past two classes


i wrote a review for a movie i didnt watch.

i havent played guitar or drums or piano since monday and i think i'm going through withdrawl

been getting free food lately

like chocolate soy milk

just got this funny picture of this skinny guy jacy as a little demon fetus thing

son of a bitch skipped our crappy band practice to go meet kat

reading watchmen....got a copy from school

no using the shift key.

why?

oh hey....just used it.

want to draw jacy as a little demon fetus thing.

been experimenting with fruity loops

so many things.

none related.

my life is like a baby's brain.

I just read my last entry


I was like euphoric that night

fillllllmmmm
is a bitch.


yup



a bitch

Obama.

I have never been so stoked on a politician.
But the entire fucking world is celebrating right now. I feel so happy. I feel like there actually might be change is the creepy thing.... Like real change. Not just the kind of change that Obama was talking about, but real change. (I, being an anarchist, have high standards for what is real) I feel like, by having a president of the most powerful country in the world who isn't a spoiled white 60-year-old, things are really changing.


I am so stoked.

So fucking stoked.

I have a little bit of faith in the world.

Its almost like a taste of revolution.

Obama's win by itself, is really....nothing.

but its like..........the top of that god awful hierarchy is getting more accessible



Speaking of revolution...Guy Fawkes Day is tomorrow.

They really need to rename that

Guy Fawkes was actually cool, you shouldnt celebrate oppressive monarchs on a holiday in his name.

but fuck dude



young black not-born-into-obscene-wealth guy president....
this is fucking great

:)

I just wanted a camera with me


the lines

the fucking lines

sacha was afraid of the people who were dressed up


that would be an insane job


I am so tired

its off to beddy bye for me

which is a pity, because I REALLY would like to tell you about my substitute teacher.

perhaps another time, yes?

I said I would blog it. I am now blogging it.

When Sacha was but a wee lad, he discovered the internet. However, his first experiences with it were...rather scarring. Sacha, being young, and no spelling bee champion, accidentally mispelled "mail" as "male" when searching for "hotmail", which he had probably heard about from his friends. Being a naive, innocent little boy, Sacha clicked the link for Hot Males.com


The rest of the story tells itself.